Stay Dead Already
by Saint Eric
Summary: Will the thousand year old scorching hot Viking stallion get laid tonight or has fate got other plans for him? St. Eric competition entry.


_Disclaimer: All creative rights belong to Charlaine Harris. Stereotypes and memes belong to the community - I don't think she wants them._

_ St. Eric has a Twitter and now a Tumblr for all your prompting needs and jiggery pokery.  
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_**Author warning: Google inguinal folds at your own risk. Believe me you will be risking something...possibly lifelong trauma. **_  
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The basement, Fangtasia 8pm (ish)

The Viking love god that was Eric Northman was as naked as the day he was born apart from a heart shaped pink Lycra posing pouch (with flashing arrow) a horned Viking helmet and a goat skin cape tied round his neck. He minced delicately across the concrete floor of the basement at Fangtasia, the cold played havoc with his pedicure if he wasn't careful. He was seriously considering installing under floor heating.

He reached for the ceiling and pulled down the wooden frame he used for 'special' occasions.

"Yvetta! You're up babe."

Yvetta of Estonia/Russia/Kazakhstan (no one was exactly sure where she was from) looked at him adoringly and said in Estonian/Russian/Kazakh.

"Erik, it's so cold down here, I've got goose bumps on my goose bumps."

The Viking love god and prince of pleasure eyed his new playmate with disdain, he'd said come prepared for a feast of love, this wasn't quite what he meant.

Yvetta was covered in pears from head to foot. She was still having trouble with her English and had completely misunderstood the smokin' hot gorgeous Viking vamps instructions.

Eric heard Pam clumping down the steps behind him into the basement; she was wearing her favourite pink satin pumps, after 200 years together he knew the sound all her shoes made. He turned quickly, seeing the laughter bubbling up behind her eyes. The red hot Viking love God took a deep and unnecessary breath then exhaled loudly.

"Harrumph." The sizzling hot playmate of passion was not happy at all.

"I truly hope that you are not going to wear that getup for your meeting with the Queen later." Pam sneered, "I think the effect would be lost on her and as you're discussing trade agreements, tithes and re-zoning the Sheriffs areas she might find it a little distracting."

Eric's handsome sculpted face darkened, "insolent child," he thundered, "I should beat you for your insubordination!"

"I'm trying to be intimidated by you Eric," she yawned and patted her mouth, an affectation that drove him crazy. "But you are wearing a pink Lycra posing pouch," she looked him up and down and shrugged indifferently, "and it's just not happening." Her attention turned to Yvetta, "and what did she come as?"

Eric waggled his eyebrows suggestively at Yvetta, she simpered prettily and blew him a kiss.

"I'm not sure."

'The Lonely Planet' guide to Russia had offered lots of excellent and very useful common phrases; he could order drinks and a meal and ask for directions to Lenin's tomb in Moscow's Red Square with the best of 'em, unfortunately it hadn't entirely covered what he had in mind for tonight.

Pam stopped mid step and put her hands on her hips, "The caterers are upstairs by the way. They've brought jelly, ice cream and party hats. Shall I tell the magician to go home?"

"Is he handsome?" Eric asked hopefully. He had a horrible feeling that he wasn't going to get laid tonight after all.

Pam examined her manicure, "No, he's at least 70 and on his last legs."

"You said ve party tonight," Yvetta said, it had been very hard attaching the pears to the body sock.

"I said we were partying tonight and I wanted something to nibble on." Eric trailed off hopelessly.

"Da! I brought whipped cream too, just like you said." she brandished a can of spray cream at him.

"I didn't mean that kind of whip, oh never mind."

Yvetta absentmindedly took a bite out of the pear by her left shoulder, these foreign men had very funny habits. "You vant one?" She offered him the pear by her left breast adding a bit of spray cream to it as an incentive.

He recoiled in horror, "If you think I'm eating that you've got another thing coming. I don't spend two hours a night doing sit ups, push ups, free weights and five miles on the running machine for nothing."

Pam rolled her eyes, "it continually amazes me how you manage to squeeze running a business, being a Sheriff and doing a two hour work out routine into every night," she ticked off her fingers, "plus of course all the fighting and fucking and chasing tail."

"I've had a thousand years of practice." Eric said complacently.

He would never admit to a living soul that sometimes when he had a rare night off he liked to sit around at home in his socks and boxers. He'd switch his phone off, switch his tv on and order a take out from the 24 hour blood bank in central Shreveport.

"I get exhausted just watching you."

"I get exhausted lifting up and opening my credit card statement at the end of the month." Eric retorted. "If we were married I couldn't afford to divorce you."

He flexed his perfect pecs and all the women in the basement including the prisoners who were chained to pillars, squealed with joy, Pam didn't, she'd seen it all before many, many times.

He decided he was going to install a mirror on the ceiling it would fit nicely above the torture wheel.

Pam handed him a low fat, double decaf, triple filtered TruBlood from the chiller cabinet in the corner. Even a scorching vampire Viking has to watch what he eats after all.

"Sookie Stackhouse is on her way, she sounded unhappy on the telephone."

"Oh great, that's all I need to kill the mood. That whiny cow. What a buzz kill."

Pam smirked at him. "I thought you were obsessed with her. You said that you couldn't contemplate the thought of meeting your final death without kissing her at least once."

"Did I say that? Really? I said that?"

Pam smirked, "Oh yes."

"Yes well, I seem to remember I'd had fairy for supper that night and you know what effect they have on me." He ran his hand over his sculpted hairless chest, his fingers caressed and lingered on his clavicle and Yvetta fainted.

"Sookie eats garlic, for health reasons. Did you know about this?" He questioned.

Pam smiled and said nothing, she'd known about it for a long time. Winding her Maker up was often the only thing that kept her from meeting her final death through sheer boredom.

"And she whines incessantly about Bill," Eric shook his head, "It could have been so beautiful. She should have been mine," he roared, "but that nancy boy mainstreamer got to her first, bloody Queen, bloody scheming Queen. Women! Life was so much better when they stayed at home, barefoot and pregnant."

"You can take the Viking out of the man but not the man out of the Viking." Pam quipped.

It really bugged him that Billy boy had got to Sookie first, as Sheriff of area 5 and official de-flowerer of virgins she should have been his. Virgins smelt so nice and their blood was so tasty and pure. Human men should pay him for breaking them in, he might bring it up later at the conference with the Queen. A virgin tithe, it could work and it would bring in some much needed revenue, business had been a bit slow at Fangtasia just recently.

Sookie Stackhouse would have made a fine addition to his retinue, she would have been a wonderful ornament to hang off his arm and parade in front of the doltish humans at Fangtasia.

That she was a telepath would also have come in dam useful when the IRS investigated his business dealings last year.

"Oh the delights I could have shown her."

Oh the money she could have saved him, he'd been heavily fined for turning in his accounts late. Accountants didn't last very long around vamps, who were by their very nature suspicious creatures. The last one had made a hell of a mess on his newly laid dance floor.

It had taken Ginger the best part of the evening to mop all the blood up and clean and re wax the floor, she had whined so much Pam had been forced to glamour her again just to shut her up.

The human bar staff were a nuisance, they were always demanding the most outrageous things; holidays with pay, fully comprehensive health insurance and nights off when their children got sick. They should be happy just to be paid minimum wage and get to see the Viking stud muffin in action every night.

"Humans!" Eric exclaimed, "so many of them, so little time to eat them."

Pam rolled her eyes, but then a thoughtful expression crossed her face. She went into downtime for a moment remembering some of the delights Eric could show a woman. He was a talented man in the sack (if a bit of a show off) and she'd never had a problem with his extraordinarily large manhood at all. She could adjust perfectly to his size, it was only a matter of mind over matter.

Eric smiled back as he remembered some of the delights Pam had shown him. She was very good in the sack (if a bit bossy) and occasionally less than appreciative of his stellar talents, which he found a bit bemusing. He was absolutely fantastic in bed, thousands of women had told him so, frequently, loudly and at great and appreciative length. Hell, he could make a woman orgasm just by looking at her if he tried. He might just try that one night, eye fucking was the in thing amongst young humans these days after all.

"Pam, pass me your PDA, I need to make a note to myself."

There was the sound of the basement door opening and shutting, the noise snapped Pam and Eric out of their trance.

"Quick!"

Eric whipped off the posing pouch, the darn thing had been playing hell with his butt cheeks all evening. Pam handed him his red silky smoking jacket and some (health and safety and COSH compliant) yellow ear buds. He kept them in a box by the stairs, they were useful for when the screaming got too loud.

Sookie floated down the stairs, she looked quite darling in her Vivienne Westwood white wedding dress, tiara, lace veil and matching cream court shoes.

"What did you come as?" Pam enquired, shaking her head in wonder. This night was getting more surreal by the second.

"BEEEEEEEEEEL, BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL IS MISSING!" Sookie shrieked, "OH WOE IS ME!"

"These ear buds are great aren't they?" Pam said quietly, "they really cut out the din. I must get some in pink."

"YOU MUST FIND BEEEEEEEEEEEEEL, WE ARE GOING TO BE MARRIED AND HE HAS GONE, GONE, GOOOOOOOONE!"

"Is she on drugs?"

"I've seen this before, it could be snuff addiction."

"These ear buds are great aren't they? I can't hear a word the silly cow is saying."

Sookie continued to whine and scream, while Eric and Pam continued their conversation. Realising that she was being ignored she stamped her foot and pouted and then noticed that Yvetta was covered from head to foot in pears.

"That's disgusting!"

Yvetta looked slyly at Sookie and smiled "You are jealous because the sexy Viking stud muffin likes to play with me not you. And boy does he like to play and play."

She winced slightly, next time she had a sexual marathon with the virile prince of passion she was going to insist on toilet breaks and a little nap somewhere around the two hour mark. And some really good quality 'lube might be an idea too, her thighs were red raw from the chaffing.

"I hear your Beeeell has no stamina. You poor American girl."

Sookie blushed bright red and slapped Eric on the arm.

"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL IS MISSING. WHAT DID YOU DO WITH HIM?"

Eric took his ear buds out, "Well I'm not so sure about Sookie," he said quietly as the shouting and yelling continued, "but I know for sure that Bill definitely isn't up to snuff."

"So you'll drop everything and go and look for Beeeeeeeeeel?"

"Of course my future lover, why not? My quiet night of nookie in the basement isn't happening."

Sookie looked like she was going to start wailing again, Pam shut her up with a look and when that didn't work snarled, "will you shut up. A person can't think with you around. What do people see in you?"

Sookie's mouth set in a hard line and mutinous look spread across her face, she opened her mouth to wail.

Eric cut her off, "I said I would so don't start blathering on again."

Sookie started to wail so Eric put his hand over her mouth, his huge paw covered most of her face, "Shut it. Will you keep quiet!"

Sookie glared at Eric, stupidly not fearing him, for he was after all a thousand year old Viking vampire, tough, scary and cruel. Finally she nodded yes. Eric removed his hand and looked at his palm, it had the faint smell of garlic on it.

Sookie covered her mouth and turned a lovely shade of pink. Eric hunted round trying to find a towel or rag to wipe his hand with. Pam handed him a wet wipe from a pack that he'd conveniently left in the basement for clean up purposes.

They were soon deep in discussions about where they thought Bill might be and who would even want to take him.

"Excuse me, this is my fiancée we're talking about, I'll thank you not to talk about him in that way,"

Sookie stood with her arms crossed tapping her foot. "Please can we get a move on, for all we know he could be in, in.." she cast about frantically for some suitably obscure place Bill could have been taken to.. "Peru by now for all we know.."

"Unless he's particularly enamoured of llamas and old ruins that's highly unlikely," Pam said dismissively and the two vampires went back to their whispered conversation.

"Let's adjourn to my office, it's warmer and I can get changed, I think I'll wear the black muscle tank, jeans and a leather jacket tonight. Go and get them for me from my closet would you."

"I'm your vampire child and business partner not your personal assistant Eric," Pam complained. "You'll be asking me to get you your coffee next."

They were half way up the stairs when he remembered his posing pouch was still lying on the basement floor.

"Sookie will you get that for me. You can have it as a keepsake if you like." He said imperiously, pointing at the posing pouch, and continued walking up the stairs.

"Did you pick up my dry cleaning Pamela?"

"Yeeeeees Master."

Stunned into silence by the realisation that Eric was naked under his red robe Sookie staggered slightly, 'my goodness he does have lovely inguinal folds,' she thought 'and his butt isn't too bad either, but my goodness his philtrum was a winner.' She licked her lips, oh the things she could do with his philtrum!

Remembering that she was supposed to be devastated about Beeeeeeels disappearance she put a hand to her forehead and wailed loudly.

She scooped up Eric's thong and stuffed it down the front of her dress, something borrowed, something blue as the saying went.

Maybe it had been a bit presumptuous to order and get fitted out for a wedding dress before Bill had popped the question, but heck, a girl had to spend her tips on something.

Just then her mobile/cell phone rang.

"Sookie darling it's Lorena, long time no see. We must have dinner, we have some things we need to discuss. I've been visiting with Bill and he told me some interesting things about you." Sookie could hear screaming in the background.

"What have you done to Beeeeeeeeeeel?" She screeched.

"Oh darling that's nothing. We've been having a tickling match. You know how affectionate Bill can be. So, let's meet at Josephine's. You have 48 hours to get here. Bye bye."

Sookie heard the click of Lorena's phone.

Eric stepped back down into the basement stairs to see what the hold up was. Sookie looked up and was met by a perfect view of the inguinal folds and a really gracious plenty. He smirked when he caught her looking at him.

"Sookie, my once and future lover, what's taking you so long? Did you want to spend some quality time in my basement instead of looking for Bill? I could arrange that. Of course you'll have to brush your teeth first. Why must you eat so much garlic?"

"Gran made me eat a clove of garlic every day before school, it keeps colds away. I still do it even now." Sookie's eyes filled with tears at the thought of her beloved Gran.

"And you wonder why you were a virgin till you were 25," Eric muttered under his breath.

"Pardon me?"

"Nothing. Are we going?"

"Yes, I'm coming."

"Yes I'm sure you are." He waggled his eyebrows at her in that boyish manner women found so delightfully irresistible.

It didn't work, instead of swooning she gave him a filthy look. "Can we go now? My fiancée is in great danger, I can feel it."

"Ah yes, you've had his blood. I can smell him on you."

Sookie's back stiffened, "That's probably the aftershave I gave him for Christmas, he wears it all the time."

Eric leaned in close and whispered in her ear, "if you've had his blood little one, imagine how mine will make you feel," he waved his arm under her nose and sniffed it like a fine cigar, "hmmm, thousand year old blood, you'll never want anyone else ever again." His mouth was millimetres from her ear. "Trust me."

"So sorry to interrupt the witty banter and heavy flirting but don't you think Sookie should get changed before she dashes off into the night on some wild goose chase. I don't think designer wedding couture is the right thing for travelling in. I have some spare clothes in a closet upstairs, I'm sure I'll find something suitable in her size."

When they got to Eric's office Sookie told him all about Lorena's cryptic phone call. "Where and what is Josephine's?" She asked finally.

Eric had another spin round in his large leather office chair, "it's a stinky shifter bar in Jackson, Mississippi. We'll need to get a move on if we want to get there before sun up. Are you coming Sookie Stackhouse?"

His deep blue eyes flashed in the dimly lit office. He tossed his (short blonde, blonde and highlighted, brunette, shoulder length, long blonde) hair over his shoulder, his perfectly chiselled square jaw set in an uncompromising line.

Oh my goodness! Sookie thought, remembering the scene in the basement, he really did have a very gracious plenty! She felt the inner walls of her womanhood clench and her panties moisten. Gosh, she thought it would be like going from riding a bicycle to a Ferrari in one fell swoop.

Her womanly centre quickened in anticipation and her moist folds got moister. (She really must see a gynae about that tomorrow she thought)

Terrified but more drawn to him than she dared to admit she let her eyes run over his beautiful body; his sculpted abs, beautiful shoulders and sexy scapula. Eric shrugged off his leather jacket in one smooth move, revealing splendidly ripped and defined shoulders that were barely contained by a tight black tank top.

He advanced on her menacingly and silently, like a big cat stalking its prey in the thick of the jungle night. He picked her up and with one graceful movement sat her on his desk making sure she was trapped between his hard muscular frame and the monitor of his pc.

Pam wandered in with a large orange jump suit, "this is all I could find, one of the cleaners must have left it behind. I'm sure it will fit you. Oh! How exciting, improbable fantasy sex, can I watch?"

"Go away Pamela, your presence is not required right now." Eric snarled.

"Party pooper!" She shouted as she slammed out of the office. "You never let me have any fun."

"You smell of sunshine," he hissed as he nibbled seductively on Sookie's earlobe.

Her body ached and burned for his touch, or it could have been the flu, she'd been feeling a bit under the weather lately. She'd have some garlic and hot lemon later…

Eric's hands swept over her body making her skin tingle and her nipples stiffen. He lifted up her legs and wrapped them round his hips, with one smooth upwards thrust he was inside her, filling her to the brim, her cervix was quivering with excitement. She moaned into the cool skin of his neck, she need not have worried, her moist labial folds were perfectly adequate after all.

She shifted slightly so she wasn't so uncomfortable, he had a lot of clutter on his desk, something sharp and pointy was sticking in her backside.

Forgetting the discomfort and the fear of being discovered having a quickie on a desk in a nightclub, Gran would be absolutely mortified. She matched his urgent hip movements with her own. The desk rocked and heaved under them. It was if he was devouring her in his primal urge to reach completion.

"Look at me lover, look at me." His beautiful blue eyes blazed with fiery passion. "Look at me!" he commanded.

Sookie felt compelled to look into his gorgeous blue eyes that were now so dark with a furious intensity it was frightening.

"Oh Eric!"

The world exploded in a blissful golden wave of utterly perfect, breath taking bliss; an orgasm so tremendously powerful it nearly caused an earthquake in California ripped through her body sending her spinning into the stratosphere before dropping in an enraptured haze to the earth below.

Eric sank his fangs into her jugular vein and drank deeply of her sweet fae blood just before the aftershocks (about 3.6 on the Richter scale) had finished rippling through her body. Shaking from the pain of the bite and the resultant dip in blood pressure from the blood loss she nestled into his shoulder and trembled like a delicate flower in his arms.

"Mine," he crowed as he breathed in the sweet aroma of her hair, his mouth all bloody and dripping, "Sookie Stackhouse you are mine."

"Sookie, Sookie wake up..." a familiar voice whispered in her ear. "Sookie, wake up!"

"No, no, go away." Sookie swotted at the air and tried to fall back asleep but the annoying voice next to her wouldn't let the dream continue.

"You were dreaming about me again weren't you? I can smell it on you."

Darn vampires and their delicate noses. Bill looked down at Sookie lasciviously. She wanted to throw up, but answered, "Yeah sure Bill that was it. You all the way big guy." She punched him on the arm, "way to go tiger."

Sookie tried to get back the lovely vision of inguinal folds, gracious plenty and those wonderful dimples on the smokin' hot hunk a chunk o' burning love's back, right above his cute little butt, but it had gone.

Bill smiled. It was horrific to behold. He leaned over to give Sookie a big wet kiss.

Sookie noticed something strange, "what are you wearing Bill?"

"You like? It's a body sock," he winked, "in the biz it's called a cock sock."

"The biz?" she was utterly confused, "A body sock? Why is it so sparkly? Real vampires don't sparkle! Are you insane!"

"I saw you were watching that film with Tara the other night and after a quick chat with Eric he suggested I buy this, in fact he took me to '21 forever' and picked it out for me, wasn't that nice of him?"

At that moment Jessica walked in to the bedroom and screamed really loudly, "Ewww, old people having sex! Put it away, put it away. You've been walking around in that thing for ages. It's embarrassing and it's getting whiffy."

Sookie had to hide her giggles behind her hand. She'd surreptitiously checked the label, she didn't know that body socks came in extra small.

Just then there was a knock on the door. Sookie heard scuffling, growling and hissing on the front porch. Fearing the worst she got out of bed and jumped into the shower, had a good scrub with an exfoliating loofah, waxed her legs, underarms and bikini line, moisturised and carefully applied some self tan (one got so pale in the winter time) and then put on her favourite pale pink bath robe.

Once she was back in her bedroom she scraped her hair back into a ponytail, backcombed her fringe, put some pretty ear rings in her ears and painted her toenails and fingernails. Satisfied with her appearance at last she brushed past Jessica, who was still looking at Bill in horrified fascination, rushed down the stairs and opened the front door.

Eric and Alcide were wrestling on her front porch, they were both completely naked apart from a thin film of cement and body oil.

"My rug!" Sookie shrieked, it had only just dried out from the last time, "don't get my rug wet."

Eric pinned Alcide down, "there was a crash on the main road, a tanker carrying 10,000 gallons of lemon scented body oil crashed into this fools cement truck!"

Sookie shrieked even louder, "lemons! Oh no, I'm allergic to lemons, they give me a yeast infection."

Eric rolled his eyes. He didn't know why he bothered with the woman. Was it her ginormous chesticles or the minute slick of fae blood running in her veins he wondered, either way every supernatural man within a twenty mile radius lusted after her. As he was the Alpha male in this community he was determined to find out; a – what all the fuss was about, b – pinch her off bill and c – be the proud owner of a telepath; hardly used and in good working condition with nice headlights.

"May I use your shower? I feel a bit funky." He enquired. Cement dust got into every nook and cranny.

Alcide started into shift into his werewolf form. "Don't even think about it," he said, tightening his stranglehold on his neck.

Alcide looked at Sookie with sad little werewolf eyes. She backed away and told them both to come in. As they stepped over the threshold Bill came down the stairs with Jessica trailing after him. He had a pinched look on his face when he saw both Eric and Alcide standing naked in Sookie's entryway.

"Why are you here and what happened to you?" Bill asked practically snarling.

"We had a little accident. My corvette will need a complete re-spray and a new wing on the driver's side." He replied, "Would you happen to know anything about it? Hmmm?"

Bill had a very guilty look on his face, "what, little ole Billy boy. Hey old friend, old mate, we've got so much history. Vampires together and all that."

He punched Eric on the shoulder and winced, it was like punching a chest of drawers. The vampire was as solid and as inflexible as an oak tree.

Sookie put her hands on her hips, "Bill Compton, did you arrange for the tanker and the cement truck to collide? Poor Mr Northman and Mr Herveaux are covered in oil and cement and they've both lost their clothes somehow."

"Sukehhhhhhhhhh, I did it for you, to protect you and keep you safe!"

"Well so far 'keeping me safe' has meant you've killed the milk man, the man who came to read the gas meter, six Jehovah's witnesses, the paper boy, a census collector and the two FBI agents who came to investigate the suspicious deaths."

"I have to protect you, from everything and everybody. No one must know what you are!"

"Every darn person in Bon temps knows what I am, you've made sure of that and please take that darn sparkly suit off. It doesn't do anything for you at all and while I'm at it I rescind your invitation!"

"Sooookeh!" he bellowed as he was magically and forcibly evicted from her house.

She felt something warm lapping at her toes, "Alcide Herveux you pee on my floor one more time," she warned, "shoo! Get out! Blasted wolves and their territorial natures."

Alcide had the grace to look very embarrassed at the puddle that was spreading across the floor.

Eric was leaning against the front door, arms crossed, looking amused. He always looked good and never got embarrassed by anything. The striking Viking of love was always large and in charge.

Sam Merlotte rushed into Sookie's living room a look of concern on his gentle face.

"Sookie I heard noises so I came over, are you Ok chere?"

"How on earth could you hear noises, you live miles away? Have you been sitting in the tree in the yard with the binoculars again?"

She had caught him out a couple of times lurking round her property and his eyes took on a shifty look. Alcide started growling under his breath, the two shifters eyed each other and started circling each other wearily.

"I swear if you two start sniffing each others butts then I'm breaking out Gran's shotgun. I'm fine Sam," she said firmly. "Thanks for coming over ya'll. I can take it from here. Eric, I'll show you to the bathroom."

Maybe her dream would become reality tonight after all.

Eric followed Sookie down the hall to the bathroom. As he entered he caught the scent of the body lotion Sookie normally wore. A faint smell of pine. It reminded him of his home land; he absolutely hated that windy shit hole.

"I'll get you some fresh towels." Sookie said as she stepped out of the bathroom. "Give me a shout if you want anything."

Eric turned the shower on and waited for the water to heat up. Once it was warm enough he got under the water and let it run over his pectoralis muscles, rectus abdominus, inguinal folds and gracious plenty.

Sookie dropped the towels as she caught sight of him in the shower. He pretended not to hear as she peeled off her clothes and got into the shower with him.

Feeling brave she ran her hands up Eric's lats, traps and back down to his cute little glutemus maximus. She reached around him and took the soap out of his hand.

It slipped out of her hands and fell onto floor of the tub. Eric turned around to pick it up and bumped heads with her as she tried to reach for it. They both straightened and laughed, rubbing their foreheads.

Eric stepped forward and looked directly into Sookie's eyes, he cupped her face in his hands and leaned in for a long slow kiss, forgetting completely about the soap. He caught his foot on the bath mat and slipped and fell forward head first into Sookie's lap. This sent her careening into the wall knocking several of the tiles into the bath. With arms flailing about as she tried to regain her balance she accidentally smacked Eric in the nose with her fist.

"I'm so sorry Eric. Let me look at your face."

"Neber mind ib's fine." Bloods was pouring from his nose onto his chest and down the drain giving the shower stall a very dramatic appearance.

Sookie couldn't help but giggle at his discomfort. He resisted the urge to growl at her and rip her into tiny pieces; instead he managed a weak smile which didn't quite reach his big blue eyes.

Meanwhile in the living room Alcide was backing away from Jessica as fast as he could. The eternal virgin was on the hunt for something hot and spicy and the naked hunk in front of her would do nicely.

Stuff Hoyt and his 'let's wait till we get married' and his interfering 'you will never give me lots of grand babies' mama. He had turned into such a wuss since he'd put a ring on her finger.

She looked the gorgeous hunk of werewolf beefcake up and down, yowzer, he was hot. Very hot. Her fangs dropped, "come here gorgeous," she said as she drop tackled him onto the sofa.

"Careful woman, you'll rip the body sock!"

What was it with men and body socks round here she wondered? Every darn man seemed to be wearing them.

She reared back and struck at his neck, taking great big gulps of tasty werewolf blood, he tasted a lot better than Hoyt. She turned her attention to his nether regions, and that was certainly a lot bigger than anything Hoyt was packing.

It was great being a vampire she thought. It was a bit of a bummer bring turned against your will in a junk yard. Bill was a half arsed emo vamp with an inferiority complex, not to mention he was an awful Maker. The dying thing was a bit of a downer too, she'd never have a family or a husband or see the sun again, still it had its advantages, she would be beautiful and unchanging and 17 years old forever and ever and ever and ever.

A single drop of blood fell onto Alcide's heaving chest, she must get a grip of herself and focus on what mattered right now; taking advantage of this smokin' hot werewolf while he was out of it.

Eric reeled round the bathroom, in the panic that had followed him breaking his nose Sookie's flailing arms had pulled the heavy shower curtain and rail down on his head. His beautiful (long blonde, brunette, short blonde and/or highlighted) hair was covered in blood, Pam would go mad, she was supposed to be (plaiting, dying, highlighting) his hair tomorrow night. He'd also slipped on the shower mat again and fallen heavily damaging a disc in his back and cracking his coccyx.

The gracious plenty was slightly less gracious and definitely less plentiful. He really wasn't in the mood at all anymore.

To top it all the bloody woman was trying to dab at him with some foul smelling ointment which burned like crazy.

"It's a special homeopathic ointment, Gran used it on cuts and bruises all the time," she explained patiently.

Eric cursed and thrashed about wildly, "it burns!" he yelled, "has it got silver in it?" large red angry welts were forming on his face.

Sookie looked puzzled and read the ingredients on the side of the tub, "oh yes it has, is that a problem?"

Bloodied, bruised and with his pride severely dented, he decided that it was definitely time to get out of here and find a masseuse or a chiropractor quick.

"Fetch me my clothes you simpleton, I am leaving right now."

"I don't have any men's clothes handy Eric," a look of consternation crossed her face, she'd never let Bill leave so much as a toothbrush in her bathroom let alone any clothes. "Gran never allowed anyone to sleep over. Would my dressing gown do, it'll be a bit short but it would do till you get home."

"Anything," Eric bellowed, his injuries were healing slowly but it still hurt a lot. He wanted to be gone before anything else happened to him tonight.

In the living room things were heating up nicely between Jessica and Alcide.

"Fine. I won't rip your body sock. I'll take it off very gently and very slowly." Jessica all but purred.

Alcide's eyes rolled back into his head as Jessica's nails lightly raked down his more than plenty.

"Better now?" Jessica asked once the sock was removed. Alcide had trouble responding. So far this evening he'd been involved in a car crash which had wrecked his truck. Wrestled naked with a vampire (and got an erection whilst doing it) and finally and shamefully had gone to the toilet on the floor of a woman he'd previously harboured fond thoughts for.

Meanwhile in the bathroom Eric grabbed Sookie's hands to stop her from putting on anymore of the foul ointment on his skin.

Sookie screwed up her face and tried to cry but tears just wouldn't come. Eric looked at her trying to figure out what on earth she was doing. Deciding to see this thing through to the end he got back into the shower and gingerly started to clean the burning ointment off his skin.

"It's good to be a vampire," he thought as his nose stopped bleeding and his back healed.

Sookie, with her face still screwed up and on the verge of tears, reached out to touch Eric's beautiful gluteus maximus as it wiggled enticingly in front of her nose. Her heart pounded painfully in her chest, the walls of her womanhood clenched and her moist folds moistened as she ran a finger down the ridge of his spine.

"Lover!" he husked, Mr Happy was happy again, very happy.

She hopped into his arms and for the first time he became aware of the fact that he was ten inches taller than her. Stooping till he was bent almost double he kissed her. His tongue checked out her fillings, uvula, wisdom teeth and her soft palate. Sookie's eyes watered but heck it was worth it, Bill had only ever reached her uvula once.

"Yikes, yahoo, ouch."

"Sookie," Jessica shouted up the stairs, "water's coming through the kitchen ceiling. I think the bathtub has sprung a leak."

Sookie broke away from him and hunted frantically round the tub, "the tiles must have knocked a hole in it. Drat, that will cost a bomb to fix. This house is really old, I hope the water doesn't short out the electrics as well."

Eric stood up and smacked his head against the shower head, "not again" this woman's bathroom was a disaster waiting to happen.

"I'll have my men look at it in the morning," he said airily, "let's get out of the bathroom. It's not a safe place for us lover."

Sookie nodded, it was really nice to have a man of action around the house, "if your men are coming tomorrow can you ask them to look at my drive as well, the pot holes are killing the suspension on my car."

His smile faded slightly as he debated whether several thousand dollars worth of work on a hillbilly shack and a quarter mile of potholed drive was worth a tumble with her. Deciding that on balance it was, he nodded, "of course my lover, anything for you." He bent over and kissed her hand and let his lips linger on her skin for a moment before reluctantly drawing away. She smelt delicious, "I will get my men on it first thing in the morning. Shall we lover?"

She grabbed a towel and motioned Eric to follow her with a coquettish smile.

As they entered her bedroom Sookie was surprised to see a woman sitting on her bed holding a satin comforter to her chest. The woman, who had dark hair and blue tear filled eyes, looked as if she were going to throw herself out of the window.

"I should install a revolving door in my bedroom, Sookie huffed. "The amount of people that just randomly pop in and out."

The tall distinctive woman ignored her, "Eric Northman you SOB! You stood me up, I waited under the station clock for two bloody hours, two hours. I wore a flower in my lapel and carried a copy of the Shreveport Bugle just like it said in the e-mail. Where the hell were you?"

Eric looked mystified, "I haven't got a date tonight and who are you?"

"My name is Hallow," she said grandly as if they should know her, "we met online on the, 'Hot girls meet hot vamps' dating site. Your screen name was "pussylover69. You had over 1600 hits, male and female. You picked me out of all of them," she preened.

Eric had a feeling that Pam was involved in this somewhere. "Of course I did."

Hallow looked really annoyed at not being remembered, she drew herself up to her full height.

"I don't appreciate being made a fool of." Hallow glared at Eric.

"How did you find me?" Eric asked. He was so going to get Pam for this. There went her shoe budget for a month.

"When you didn't show up I went to Fangtasia. I figured it being a vamp bar they'd know where you were. I was right. Some vamp named Pam told me exactly where to find you."

Sookie couldn't help but giggle, imagine, the great lover, Eric Northman using a dating website!

"For the record I didn't put a personal ad in the 'hot girls meet hot vamps' dating site. Do I seriously look like someone who needs to do that?" This time it was his turn to get huffy.

"She does though," Sookie mumbled under her breath. "She's hardly an oil painting."

Hallow turned angrily to Sookie and started chanting. She raised her arm, pointed it at Sookie, there was a tremendous whoosh and a blast of pure blue light shot across the room and caught Sookie full in the chest.

"Rivet, rivet, rivet..."

A small green frog was squatting in the spot where Sookie had been standing.

Jessica rushed in the room, "that is so cool! How long will the spell last for?"

"Till she's kissed by a handsome Prince," Hallow said smugly and winked at Eric.

"SUKAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Bill yelled at the top of his voice, his face was a picture of anguish and pain, the cock sock was playing havoc with his inguinal folds.

Eric leaned out of the bedroom window, "I'll leave that with you then Billy boy. So, Hallow," Eric winked at her then put his arm through hers, he liked his woman feisty.

"Fancy coming back to Fangtasia? We could have a nibble, maybe have a private party."

"That's more like it," Hallow was positively purring. She ran a finger across his hairless chest, "gosh you are ripped!"

"What other kinds of spells can you do? Do you have any that would work on a vampire with a shoe fetish?"

"I've got plenty of tricks up my sleeve. Fangtasia seems very busy, does it do well?"

"I don't like to boast," he slid his arm round her trim little waist, "but yes Fangtasia is very successful, I'm quite the business man."

"Really, how fascinating. Do tell me more."

Eric checked out the living room as he and Hallow strolled toward the front door arm in arm.

Alcide's eyes were still rolled back into his head even with his hands lodged firmly under Jessica's denim mini skirt and she looked to be going a nice pink colour as her fangs were lodged firmly in his neck.

Bill was still yelling for Sookie from the front yard, he looked very forlorn and quite, quite pathetic in his sparkly body sock. He would never get invited back into the house with Sookie being a frog.

Eric smirked at him as he got into his car. The leather seats were cold as he still didn't have any clothes on. Leather seats and naked glutes didn't mix well together.

"Any chance you know a clothing spell?" Eric asked. "My suit and my favourite black silk boxers with the bats on were ruined in the accident."

"Why would I want you in clothes? You look so much better without them." Hallow whispered suggestively. She put a hand on his knee and squeezed, hard. He was surprised to discover she had a grip like a WWE wrestler.

"Well yes I do, but when we get to Fangtasia there are health codes that need to be followed. Shreveport town council were very firm on that point."

"I suppose." Hallow started chanting again but it didn't go quite as planned.

Whoosh. Flash. Pop!

"What the heck!"

The 'vette swerved and came to a standstill in a ditch, Eric looked at his reflection in the driving mirror, "what have you done?"

The face looking back at him was not his.

"Oh sorry, I was doing a change spell and it went slightly wrong," she trailed off.

"You bet you did," sculpted Nordic beauty had been replaced with pale English good looks, a fine aquiline nose and dark flashing eyes. "Why have I got an English accent," he bellowed even though he had to admit he was a fine looking man.

"Sorry. I was thinking about that guy out of Robin Hood."

Eric checked his reflection in the wing mirror, "Witches! Change me back right now!"

Hallow took a deep breath, "witch indeed! You want a change do you buster. I'll give you a change."

She narrowed her eyes and grinned, she'd had quite enough of vain vamps this evening, chanting under her breath she waved her hands in the air, a second later there was a flash and a rather wet plopping noise.

"Rivet, rivet, rivet, rivet."

Pam drove slowly down Humming bird road, her face wreathed with confusion. For the last few nights she'd been gripped with the urge to eat flies and stamp about in muddy puddles. It was most perplexing.

She adjusted the feather on her tri-corn hat so it didn't go in her eyes. It had been fancy dress night at Fangtasia and as a change from her normal outfit she'd decided to dress up as Prince Charming. She'd charged a pair of thigh length black PVC lace up boots to Eric's Amex as a little gift to herself.

Eric's corvette was sitting in a ditch by the side of the road, it looked a bit battered and three tyres were missing. She parked up a little way behind it, left her headlights on and went to investigate.

A large green frog was sitting on the bonnet, croaking away to itself. Picking it up carefully she looked deep into its eyes, "Is that you Eric?" she asked it eventually.

"Rivet, rivet, rivet."

"Ah I see."

"Rivet, rivet, rivet."

"I believe that human fairy tales require a handsome Prince to kiss the frog and break the spell."

She leaned over and kissed the frog tenderly, there was a flash, a pop and a whoosh as the small frog transmogrified into six foot four of angry vampire.

"Well that's something you don't see very often."

All business, she took a step back. "We have a problem Eric, a coven of witches has taken over Fangtasia, they've killed some of the human staff and the chief witch is after you, and not in a good way."

"Fighting witches should be a breeze after the last couple of nights," Eric replied, the urge to eat flies was still very strong, "I really hope I never see Sookie Stackhouse again."

He slid into Pam's car and checked his face in the drivers mirror for any damage, satisfied that he looked as gorgeous as ever the Viking pasha of passion settled back in his seat.

"Bring on the witches Pamela; I'm in the mood for a fight."

Prologue

After a couple of nights of red hot sex with Alcide on Sookie's sofa, kitchen table and her living room floor, Jessica took pity on her distraught Maker and took the little green frog outside for him to kiss.

Jessica took a seat on the porch swing seat and laughed till blood red tears fell down her cheeks as Sookie chased Bill round the yard. Poor old Bill, he always did get the shitty end of the stick, she almost felt sorry for him as Sookie picked up and then walloped him round the back of the head with a shovel..

Almost.


End file.
